Guide for Ghost Hunting or Paranormal Activity
You’ve seen the shows on the History and Travel Channels. Or maybe you haven’t. You are lucky. It seems that more and more Paranormal Oriented programming is spewing out of your TV set faster than you can mop up the Ectoplasm. What can you do? Well, you can’t beat ’em so you might as well join ’em eh, Jubal?
In this easy Contact How-To Guide, you Jubal, are going to learn the fineries of Ghost Hunting the likes of which will put you in the same ranks as the Pros even though none of their techniques are scientifically proven. That doesn’t seem to bother them and we’re dang sure not gonna let it bother us none, either!
The first thing we need is some top notch Ghost Hunting Equipment. Yep! You have to go rootin’ around the backyard and the garage again, Jubal but I know you don’t mind. What does one need to perform an adequate Ghost Hunt? I thought you would never ask. Provided for you momentarily, is a short list of supplies and instruments that you will need. Mind you, one can add to it their own special “secret weapons” in their arsenal of Astral Ass-kicking dispatchery. So again, here’s the short list of necessary items.
Items Which is required for a Ghost Hunting
- Standard blow dryer
- Ackle Box
- Spare Tire
- Crotchet Needles
- Arecibo Radio Telescope
- 5 Clay Pidgeons
- Dental Floss
- 3 Truck Batteries
- Surf Board
- Spud Gun
- A-10 Warthog
- 4 Canadian Loonies
- UPS Delivery Truck
OK. After 10 minutes in your yard and another 4 days in the neighbors’, you should have managed to acquire at least two of these items. That’s good enough. We’re not going to be too fussy. Just the basics will work here.
The next thing we need is a dark night or a big, spooky hotel or cemetery full of dead angry people or a decent Brothel. These are all well known haunts of passed-on malcontents. But, just as a helpful note, if none of these pan out, you might also try the Post Office, the Produce Section in your Super Market and your Sock Drawer. Lots of anomalous and strange energy is associated with those places.
So we’ve got our Ghost Hunting Gear and now we’ve got a known site of Anomalous Activity. You scared yet? I am.
The last thing on our list we need is the official time that occurrences usually start happening. I’m guessing right around 6 pm because that’s when Ghost Hunters comes on. This means you have to act fast. You only have about 30 minutes to find and collect all of your hard data and evidence because that’s about all they need and they’re the Pros. They should know! What is more, Ghosts are people too and they don’t want to miss out on valuable family time or a decent wall rapping appointment just because you can’t get it together! So hurry up! It’s almost time for Lock Down!
After carefully perusing the list of previously mentioned hopeful haunts, you decided upon the Laundromat. Smartly done, Jubal. The Dryer Demons there have been stealing your socks for years and now it’s time to see if you can catch a glimpse of them hanging from some ethereal line on the “Other Side”. Oh! That reminds me. You need a small container of Holy Water. Piece of cake. Just fetch that beer can out of your truck you’ve been using for your dip spitoon and bless it. Perfect! There is virtually no defense against rancid chaw spew especially once it’s been blessed!
So while you are standing in the middle of the Laundromat chompin’ at the bit for some serious Ecto Activity, you can explain to the two old ladies already there, that the reason you are waving a Stud Finder wildly in the air and screaming madly everytime a sneaker thuds in a dryer is because you are the facility’s Handy Man and that you are testing the acoustical resonance of the laundromat in accordance with the local noise ordinances. You can tell them that your screaming is pitched perfectly to an F Sharp-Major-Flat which is the precise frequency that shatters weak drywall. They will feel at ease and fully comforted knowing that none of the drywall has befallen their freshly folded linens and underthings.
Meanwhile, your underthings are in a knotted fear-wad threatening a coup d’etat with your descending colon because of a rather disconcerting sound emanating from the Mens Restroom. You thought you heard a long, drawn out, wailing moan. It just sent shivers up what is left of your spine. Get in there, Jubal! Find out what it is!!! We’ve got a Ghost to catch. It’s Lock Down time!
Once locked in the Mens Room, you now need to take out the little overpriced digital voice recorder that was on the list above. You need to push the red button. That is the record button. Did a little light come on just now? Stop looking in the mirror! That light hasn’t been on in years. I meant the little red “recording” light. Yes? Good. Point that at the direction of the wailing, moaning sound.
This next step is very important and vital to the drama that is Ghost Hunting. You are going to ask a series of questions while recording that you will not hear the answers to until you get home and make them up. Most people cannot hear the Ghost answer with the naked ear so put on a beanie or muffs. You can sometimes hear them answer when you play the recording back or fabricate the answers later in case the Ghost didn’t talk with a voice. That’s called “Channeling”.
So is the recorder on and pointing at the noise? Good.
Now ask the following questions:
- I am not a certified Parapsychologist but would you mind if I asked you some questions?
- Do I irritate you? (ask five times)
- Do you normally talk to strangers pointing ungainly electronic devices at you?
- Does my shouting in a small echoey room make my questioning difficult to understand?
- Do I look scared?
- What’s that smell?
You begin to notice before you get through all of the 186 recommended stupid questions that there seems to be a continued moaning coming from the far back stall. It’s probably the Ghost. Go check it out, Jubal!! Don’t forget to use the 6 Slice Toaster I mentioned in the list above. Ghosts get trapped in 6 Slice Toasters easily.
You knock on the stall door and now you hear a little, funny, anomalous “beeping” sound followed closely by the Ghost saying, “Hello? Police? There is some wacko guy with a big toaster yelling at me outside of the Mens Room Stall at the Missing Sock Laundromat on Poofie Street!”
Pay no attention to this, Jubal. The Ghost is playing coy with you. Barge in on it and whack it with the toaster, and confuse it with the aerosol can horn from the list above. You should have it thoroughly confused but not as confused as you are. You now see that this Ghost is angry and has apparently been haunting this stall for some time. At least 15 minutes. The smell of Ectoplasm is everywhere in here. Take a sample. This is your proof. Your evidence. Be sure to post this on YouTube like you did the UFO Footage of the mysterious Anomalous Light that left the bizarre wet residue on the seat of your pants.
Alright. Only 30 seconds left. Your half hour is almost up! You have to get outta there quick, Jubal! Quick! Hurry!!
The next thing you remember is waking up on the floor of a strange restroom stall with the Police asking you several questions about the individual with the toaster that did this to you. You are covered with an anomalous, brown ectoplasm.
Lucky thing you got a pure sample for analysis!
Cheers and Happy Hunting!Read More